I SHOULD HAVE WASHED MY VEGGIES?

I know it has been a long time since I posted. I have been building a business and jet setting, trying to make up for lost time. BUT I’m baaaaaack!

It’s weird to read my blog. LOL! Not for you, (at least I hope not), but for me. I am going back and reading things I wrote while going through my journey and it is so surreal. First, I think, I am a pretty good writer, who knew?! Then I think, wow, did this really happen to me? I know it sounds dumb, but I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I had cancer at all. It’s not like I forgot everything that has happened this last year, or that am not still dealing with the aftermath of it, because I am. It’s so baffling to me, how sure I was that, that as long as I took care of myself, that that would never be me. And it was. I really thought I did everything, “right.”

I was lying in bed last night thinking, for sure it was the pesticides in my veggies, I mean I do eat a ton. I never wash them, (not to be gross or anything), but I want to be honest. P.S. rinsing them under the tap is not washing them. It had to be that right? Then I thought, “It has to be the stress, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be successful, 2 start-up companies, living that entrepreneurship life.” But then I think of the crazy hours other people I know work, I am not the only one. I wasn’t living on 15-hour days, caffeine and a dream, I took care of my body. Was it because I never had kids? Nope, I’ve met plenty of women with kids, some who even got cancer while pregnant. Was it the meat or dairy? I mean I gave that up about 5 years ago, but maybe it was too late? I was lying there racking my brain, listing all different types of scenarios, until I remembered . . . there is no cure. F! Is that supposed to comfort me? To some extent, I guess so. I mean, if there is no cure, then there is nothing I could have done, knowingly, to prevent it. I have to remind myself of this almost daily.

Today, all I can do is try and live as healthy as I know how (granted I was doing this before the, cancer), oh and I wash my veggies religiously, do you know what are in those pesticides?? It’s quite frightening! But really, we still don’t know, why some women get it over others. That is some scary- ass shit.

IS THIS THE COST OF LIVING?

I am about to start these hormone blockers and it sounds all well in good, I mean as I write it, it sounds like no big deal, sure uncomfortable at best, but I am already getting hourly hot flashes so how much worse could they be?? Well that depends, have you googled Zoladex or Tamoxifen? I would say, no, most of you have not. I don’t recommend it. Unless you have to start taking them of course (and even then, the less you know, the less time you have to obsess about the possible side effects).  There are so many damn side effects that I just had to shut down my browser and give up! I mean chemo had side effects (Yes, I know I’ve heard, nothing will be as bad a chemo), but at least with chemo there was an end game a few months out, I will be on these for the next 5 years! WTF is that?I am freaking out reading all the message boards about them too (sometimes helpful and scary at the same time).

But what's the alternative, keep living a healthy life and pray the cancer (the estrogen sensitive cancer, do you know how many things effect estrogen in the body?) doesn’t return? That doesn’t sound like a plan I can live with. I know I have it better than some women I read about, but really there is no, “upside” or “not so bad” part of cancer, don't get it twisted. The medications can kill you, but SO CAN THE CANCER. It can also SAVE YOUR LIFE. So, the mood swings, joint pain, hot flashes, fatigue, dizzy spells (to name a few), will be dealt with, like I have dealt with everything up until this point. I have to remind myself because sometimes I forget that these drugs are here to save me (even when they hurt). There is no more, “Oh if I do this for sure I won’t get cancer,” I tried that and still got cancer duh! Now it’s more like, “No we don’t know what caused your cancer, but we can guess that it’s best to not do x,y,z, so your system stays as cancer free as possible . . . so you live a long life, PAUSE - a longer life then I would if it comes back, is what they really mean.

Why do the hormones worry me so much you may ask? I am scared that is will alter my way of being so much that I won’t know what to do with myself. I know that I will have to work extra hard to keep my health (mental, emotional and physical) in check. It’s the lack of control. The same control which was an illusion anyways? Yes, the same one.

Somewhere today a doctor said to someone, “There is nothing else we can do for you, you should get your affairs in order,” that is why I take the meds. I never want to be on the receiving end of that conversation if I can help it. I am frustrated that I have to take these medications and it may have adverse effects to which I won’t know until they’ve already happened. But what I do know is, they give me better chance that the cancer won’t return. After all there is no cure, remember.

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I lied about the Cake . . .

So, I lied . . . We'll sort of, I posted a celebratory cake on social a couple weeks ago, claiming I bought it to celebrate the doctor telling me my tumor had shrunk. The tumor shrinking was not the lie. It has shrunk almost by half since the last time she measured it. (Yes, this is a reason to celebrate!) So, after my appointment my good friend drove me to Pusatari's and followed me around as I drooled over every gourmet treat I could lay my eyes on. Then I saw that cake, you remember it? 6 layers of perfection with buttercream frosting, (with no artificial colors or preservatives of course). It looked like the kind of cake that when you bite into it your eyes will close out of sheer pleasure. I knew I wanted to dive into it face first. Could I justify buying a whole cake for no reason, especially one that was clearly marked “Birthday Cake?” My friend was like, "Why not? You deserve it, you and your hubby should be celebrating tonight, tumor shrinkage!" Me: "Yes you are right! I don't need a reason to buy a whole damn cake, I have cancer!” And yes, (in case you were all wondering), having cancer is literally the get out of jail free, do whatever you want without apologies card, so get over it.

When my hubby came home that afternoon I was so happy to greet him with that cake. First because I know birthday cake is his favorite and second because, now that he was home early I wouldn't have to feel bad cutting a huge chunk out of it by the time he came home that night. I was happy to give him the good news; the tumor was shrinking hooray! (I mean, it damn well better be, why else was I putting myself and my body through this emotional and physical hell??) So, in my mind I was having the cake to celebrate.

***SIDE NOTE: Eating has become a cruel joke. Chemo fucks with your taste buds so bad I never know what food is going to taste like. Sometimes it starts off tasting fine, then by the end of the meal the taste turns to garbage. Eating has become such a fucking chore that I would have done anything for food to taste like I remember. I really wanted to eat something, ANYTHING that gave me a moments pleasure.

But no matter how much of it I stuffed in my face, the feelings of joy quickly dissipated. The cake tasted damn delicious don't get it twisted, but I didn't feel like celebrating. Not even the smile on Corey's face, (which usually always works), shifted things for me, so I posted it to social so all of my loved ones who follow my journey could celebrate a win. Yay, Monique is getting better! I wanted that for them, and for me. I usually love reading all the comments, but it didn't work . . . I was sad and emotional and I didn't know why.

Then as I ran though that appointment in my head I realized that I didn't want to celebrate because this journey was still far from over. Yes, chemo is almost done (THANK GOD!!!), but new things were to come, (the things that I try to block out of my mind so I can function, like, surgery, recovery, radiation, hormone therapy - LET'S ALL SAY IT TOGETHER FUUUUUCK!)

While sitting on the Doctor’s exam table in my gown she went over the 2nd half of the chemo plan and side effects:

1. Still no hair (wishful thinking)
2. Mouth sores continue
3. Constipation
4. Indigestion continue (a.k.a. can't digest like 90%of anything?)
5. Fatigue will continue 
6. Food taste like sawdust
7. Blackening of the nails (Did I mention my fingernails are turning dark blue/black? Yes you can say it, WTF?)
8. THANK GOD SAY GOOD-BYE TO NAUSEA 
9. Aches and pains and soreness. . . I want to take a pause here- Can I just clarify aches/pains and soreness? What she should have said is you will feel like a 80 year old grandma, that was pushed down a flight of stairs and then rolled onto the street for some street kids to slap you with a stick.
10. Oh and let me know if there is any numbness in your fingers and toes, that could be serious . . .

Sooooo, yes chemo continues to be fucked up.

But all I could think about was, if the tumor is shrinking will I have to have surgery? So, I asked her, "If the tumor disappears will I still need to have surgery?

Her: "Yes"

Me:" Why?"

Her: "Because there could still be some cancer cells left behind."

Me: "Oh"

Her:" Monique, Chemo is not a cure, if we don't do surgery the tumor will grow back . . . " And there it was, the reason I couldn’t celebrate. That scared the fuck out of me! After going through all of this, the cancer could come back . . . It makes me scared to celebrate, to feel like there is a finished line, because I can celebrate the small wins but this will be something I mange in one way or another forever…. AND THAT no yummy cake could fix.

The silver lining? Her: "Monique, the good news is that you are responding to chemo, some people do not, the surgery ensures we get it all." 

I know I "should" be happier, but one thing I have learned is there is now way I “should” be, feel or act.  “Should” is bullshit. #stillhappychemoisalmostdone