The Tale of, "Crazy Ass Nurse Maggie"

Let me tell you the tale, of “Crazy Ass Nurse Maggie.”

Since chemo round #3 my doctor has prescribed me 3 days of hydration, post chemo home care to help with the fatigue. This means a nurse is scheduled to come to my house, hook me up to a IV for for 4 hours each day and leave.  (Note this has made a HUGEEEE difference), so I am clear this will be a reoccurring thing. However, the nurse (Let's call her Maggie), they sent was a bit ummmm . . . I don't know . . .  too much. You know those people who get way too familiar too soon? Let's exam the facts . . . 

1. She was making little unnecessary comments that reminded me why I don't let any, Tom, Dick or Harry all up in my house, like, “It must be hard to clean all of those trinkets you have around.” Shit like that. You know, one of those people who process their thoughts out loud?

2. She was super frazzled and a bit hostile by the time she arrived, complaining that they just added me to her schedule last minute. (As if I needed to know that).

3. Then she made it clear she didn’t get have my information because her first question to me was, "Did you go away and catch a bug or something?" To which I paused, then replied, "Ummm, don't think you can catch cancer." Maggie was instantly embarrassed saying that the computer wasn't working and didn't update her on my situation . . . I let that go (well sort of).

4. She was in her 50's so she treated me like a child, naturally. Not a huge deal, however she made a huge miss-step operating under that assumption, this is what happend . . .

I thought I would do something nice on the 2nd day of her visit, by giving her a thank-you card for what it occurred to me as a thankless job (based on everything she had told me in the short time we spent together). She had also mentioned she was having trouble with her two 20 year old daughters, (I use the term, mentioned loosely, since she actually gave me her entire life story on the first meeting, pointing out how hard her life was, and how her kids don't appreciate how easy they have it). So feeling like I could help having taking so many self-development courses myself, I wrote in the card a contact for a course she could look into for her daughters. She kept referring to them as, "2 daughters who aren't getting their shit together and are making her want to ring their necks!" So I thought, it couldn't hurt.  

On the 3rd day when she returned, she greeted me and she said that her daughters have taken all the courses in the world, and nothing has helped, so she doubt this would either. (I never mentioned the course other than in the card, I didn't discuss it and didn't want to tell her how to raise her kids) All I could muster was a shrug. It was not the fact she didn't want to look into the courses, I could care less, it's what she did next that threw me. When I sat down for her to put in the IV she reached out her hand and before I knew what was happening, she proceeded to RUB MY HEAD!!! and said, "Thanks anyway." (Insert blank stare here please). I didn't even realize what had happened until it was over! How was I suppose to respond to that?? What I wanted to say was, "Bitch no you didn't just rub my fucking head!" Who the fuck, rubs another grown ass woman's head? Let alone the stranger cancer patient who's head is shaved for fucks sake??? She is so lucky I had no energy to compute what the hell was going on (or that track record of never slapping an old person was about to get broke). Instead I just sort of sat there stunned. I didn't even have the energy to respond, so I didn't.

Maggie was nice enough, don't get me wrong, but it was time for her to hit the road.  On her way out she said, "I wish you all the best, and maybe I'll see you in a couple of weeks." (I was thinking it may be time for a new nurse), But I just smiled and proceeded to shut the door. Then she turned around and said, "You know your face is so familiar, I just can't place it." Me: "I have that sort of face," Why was she still here? I am thinking. Her: "What high school did you go to? Me: "Agincourt," please leave, I think to myself. Her: "Oh my God, me too! That must be it, what year did you graduate?" Me: Ummm I can't remember right now (I really couldn't, I was exhausted I can barley remember what day it was!, I am tired can you pleassssssse leave. Her: "I graduated in 81'" Me: "Ummmm I was born in 81'" PAUSE. Her: "Oh! Ok hahaha, that can't be it then, see you!" (Insert blank stare again please). HOW OLD DID SHE THINK I WAS?? If she read my chart she would know! I mean I know I looked a bit rough in my robe, sunglasses and caftan, but DANG!

I shut the door and looked over at Corey who had heard the entire conversation.

Him: "She's confused don't worry about it," kissed me on the cheek and smiled.

Me: "Hmmm, I kinda hate her now . . . Sorry."

P.S. she actually turned out to be my nurse again the next time around.  2 weeks later there she stood on my doorstep smiling. Maybe I overreacted? I did learn this time around, if I speak less, so does she. Lesson learned LOL!