Half Way to the Finish Line

Chemo treatment round # 4 has arrived! I am reminding myself that that would officially mean I am 50% through this chemo shit! Hooray! Right? Parades and bottle popping is in order! I should be celebrating, being positive and happy I made it this far? And I am . . . well I want to be at least. It's quite unbelievable, (to me at least), that I have made it this far, since my great escape is all I think about. I have a backed bag hidden in the back of the closet (Corey this post is not for you to read), a sweet air bnb on standby and my passport ready to go, I think living out my last days on a beach somewhere would be more my speed. I joke, (am I joking?), but I really fantasize about escaping this whole fucking, "I have cancer thing," about 75% of the time. I mean I have lived a pretty good life thus far, right? I have traveled the world, driven a speed boat or two, owned a business, married the hottest guy, I even shaved my head, so what else is there?? (I really wanted to meet Denzel Washington, but I am willing to let the one slide). I know how this sounds. You all believe in me and have supported me since the beginning, (so I apologize for the bitching in advance). Not to mention I come from a long line of strong, “Don’t mess with me because that would be the last mistake you ever made,” line of women. But this is such a mind fuck because you know the funny thing about cancer? You don’t feel like you have cancer until you try to, “cure” it. You can’t feel it. If I didn’t find that lump in my boob no one would be the wiser. I mean I would be worse off in the long run (So yes ladies, CHECK YOUR BOOBIES!!), but I didn’t feel sick. It wasn’t until I started injecting the remedy, into my veins, that I started feeling, what I would assume cancer should feel like, like I had actual cancer.  (Disclaimer: Cancer doesn’t feel like anything, it is the silent killer so don’t take my bitching about chemo as a reason not to have chemo if you need it, don't get it twisted it is saving my life).  So unfortunately quitting is not an option (obviously). As my hubby would say, “You are no quitter, never have been, never will be.” OK, I know, I know.

So like I was saying, I know I should be happier today. After today, (and if it all goes well), this treatment will mark the half way mark, but that still means I have to do this 5 MORE TIMES, (including today). I know that doesn’t sound like a lot. And considering people do rounds and rounds of this in some cases, I should be grateful. (I am only saying what some of you are thinking, but don’t get it twisted I know for some of you one round would have you throwing in the towel). I have even heard tales that some women go to work while doing chemo, (now that may or may not be true but I am clear that whatever chemo cocktail they have me on doesn't allow me to function as a normal human being for more than a few hours at a time each day, even on a good day, so whomever those women are, deserve a fucking metal!). I mean I have never met any personally, but that's why they are called tales, (gotta love those tales), of, "I knew a woman who . . .). Mind over matter, right? (You all know how I feel about that fucking statement so please don't go there).

A lot of people have been asking me, “but is it any easier, now that you know what to expect?” To which I reply, “Ummmm yes and no. Right when I think I know what is coming and how to manage it, something new pops up and I am back to figuring out a new way to manage that.” I am still out of commission for 6-8 days following chemo and it still sucks ass and I hate it. On the plus side, I didn’t have to feel my hair ripping from my scalp in my sleep this time. That is a silver lining, right? LOL! Now I am a bald baddass, doing chemo with no hair troubles.

The biggest news is that the tumor is ACTUALLY SHRINKING!!! I suppose I could have led the post with this news. LOL! Now this does deserve a party!!! My Oncologist measured it a couple weeks ago, and said, "You must feel to the touch that the tumor is softer, less hard then it was initially?" Me: Yes, but I didn't want to get my hopes up." I was happy OF COURSE! It also meant the chemo is working which on one hand meant, YES this was all worth it, and on the other hand meant, "Fuck its working, can't quit now!"  

As if quitting was ever an option, ya'll know me!

Chemo round #4 here we go!!!